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While the Autopian staff share a vast number of car-related beliefs, we certainly still have our differences. For example, some writers flat out love air-cooled Beetles, while others never want to smell that black vinyl and suffocate while sitting on top of that ring-a-ding sounding motor in back of one of those things on a baking hot August day ever, ever again. Racing is another subject where we don’t always see eye-to-eye. A few staffers can’t get enough of stats and standings in some series, while for others the lack of connection between the faceless cars and anything resembling the reality of street driving is just too much to take. Honestly, it might as well be hockey to them (well, that’s a bad comparison since admittedly some of these same staffers don’t really care how many touchdowns Michael Jordon got to win the World Series Stanley Cup anyway). How can we get more folks into racing?
I think it’s unfair to say that non-racing-fans watching an event are just bloodthirsty jerks looking for accidents, however when incidents occur in a race that seem to establish a connection with “the real world” it certainly adds appeal to everyone. Just look at a few of these past sheninagans with just pace cars that got big coverage:
Don’t Leave The Keys In The Pace Car
Outside of the track, you would never leave a shiny new Pontiac Trans Am idling out in the open surrounded by a thousands of (often drunk) people in a party-like atmosphere. Apparently, it might not be a good idea to do such a thing even within the confines a track.
At the 1986 Winston 500 at Talladega, one rather disturbed fan jumped three fences and hopped into the bright red Firebird GTA pace car and took it for a joyride around the track in front of cheering fans and officials who, according to some of them, didn’t even realize they were watching grand theft of an auto until a minute or two later. The track was blocked and the fan was arrested without injury, much to the delight of the roaring crowd:
Who Moved The Flag?
The reality of pace cars at races is that they are usually driven by celebrities, many of whom do not have any kind of professional driving training. A good example of this is the person behind the wheel of the pace car in the 1971 Indy 500.
As the owner of a Chrysler dealership in Indianapolis, Eldon Palmer certainly had tremendous skills as a car salesman, but that didn’t necessarily translate into driving prowess. For this running of the 500, Eldon did a few practice laps in a new Dodge Challenger convertible (arguably one of the nicest, least cheesy pace cars to ever pace the field) to get a feel for how to drive it. To assist Eldon in knowing when to brake, someone set up a flag inside pit row to indicate where to jam on the left pedal. Unfortunately, on race day, some caretakers must have done a cleanup; besides oil cans and hot dog wrappers they also pitched this little flag.
After the pace lap, Eldon drove onto pit road at the high rate of speed needed just before pulling out of the way of the pack. By the time he realized that his flag was no longer with us (and not wanting to return onto the track) he locked up all four of the wheels on the Challenger and went sideways into a grandstand full of photographers (who got some great shots of the red convertible heading right at them). Remarkably, nobody was killed and only two were seriously injured in this unfortunate altercation, which made for spectacular coverage that would have gone viral had it been fifty years later:
Dumb as all of this might seem, it’s sort of fun to see some reality forced upon motorsport, and it certainly makes the events more intriguing. Honestly, faster racing will not necessarily be more interesting racing. I’m not condoning stolen cars and staged accidents, but I would like to add a dose of real world challenges to competition and watch the ratings go up. How could it be done in a controlled manner? Here’s a few ideas:
Moonshine Running Simulation
In case you weren’t aware, the origins of NASCAR go back to the days of transporting illegally-produced backwoods high-proof alcohol from the woods of the Carolinas to where it could be distributed. The ensuing chases by officers of the law apparently begat the sanctioned racing series.
I say why not add an opening trunk lid to all current NASCAR vehicles and stuff them before the race with giant five gallon glass jars similar to what was used to transport booze back in the day. Sure, we’ll fill them with water but any breakage will deduct points from a racer’s victory, so even if “rubbing is racing” you had best watch what you’re doing lest you sabotage your points total regardless of where you place at the race’s end. There would be camaras mounted in the trunk and LED illumination as well so spectators can observe.
Formula 1 Familia
This one will be pure torture for drivers but a hoot to watch. Imagine the scenario: Formula 1 cars would look the same as they do now, drive the same, and are just as capable in every way. However, alongside the track there are a series of ride simulators lined up based upon the position of the cars on the grid. These simulators receive not only video from the in-car camera but also signals from the race cars that make them replicate the G forces of each particular car going around the track in real time. Into each simulator go the friends and family of the respective drivers; if they are married or in a relationship the significant other HAS to go as well. If the driver is unattached at the time, it has to be their mother in the capsule instead. No, really.
Of course, there is a camera in the simulator so spectators can watch the families and, worst of all, a real-time audio connection from the simulator to the driver of the F1 car. “SLOW THE HELL DOWN!! LITTLE BOBBY IS GETTING SICK”. Oh, yeah, this will rock. Plus, if the car collides with another one, a big foam hand bonks your friends and family on the head or gut. Ratings gold, here, people.
Looking at the telemetrics recorded of famous drivers, it’s obvious that if they did this type of racing the needed skills would drastically affect the success of many of them. Senna would have been a nightmare with his signature all-on-or-off style, while Jackie Stewart would have cleaned up even more than he did in period. Supposedly the Wee Scot could drive at an alarming pace and passengers could still possibly sleep in back; here’s the man throwing down in a decidedly non-competition car:
Maybe there’s something in that. Whatever you say about Sir Jackie, he won a lot of races and, unlike a vast number of his contemporaries, he didn’t die on the track before age 35. Who knows.
The Next Steps
Look, automobile racing can be exciting, and adding dumb gimmicks to bring on more fans could really cheapen the sports. Again, adding a bit of outside-of-the-track challenges to anything can only increase the thrills, and offer new tricks. I’m reminded of a possibly apocryphal story of a secret race between cab drivers in Checker taxis and Formula 1 drivers in Ferraris from the Bronx down to Lower Manhattan. Supposedly the cab drivers won with time to spare. One of the race drivers apparently put it best- “you know, it just never, ever, occurred to us to drive on the sidewalk”.
Bring it on.
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